Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when every fiber of your being wanted to say “no”? Or feeling resentment build because you gave more than you had to offer? Boundaries are often misunderstood as rigid walls that keep others out. In reality, the most effective boundaries are both firm and flexible—designed to protect our well-being while allowing for adaptation and growth. When we approach boundaries with intention rather than rigidity, we create the conditions for healthier relationships, greater ease, and more sustainable energy.
Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, emphasizes that boundaries are not about controlling others but about clearly communicating our needs. However, many of us struggle with this balance. We either set boundaries too loosely, leading to overwhelm and resentment, or we overcorrect and become rigid, cutting ourselves off from meaningful connection. The key is to recognize when we are in what I call the "vibration zone"—the moment when we feel discomfort, hesitation, or unease. This sensation is an internal cue that something needs our attention.
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research on emotional granularity suggests that tuning into these subtle feelings can enhance our ability to respond rather than react. Instead of making impulsive decisions out of frustration or exhaustion, we can pause and assess: Is this discomfort signaling a need for a firmer boundary? Or is it inviting me to be more flexible in a way that still honors my values? This intentional pause allows for informed choices rather than habitual reactions.
This approach mirrors the concept of adaptive resilience in leadership and well-being. In his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown speaks to the power of disciplined prioritization—choosing what matters most and letting go of the rest. Similarly, setting intentional boundaries requires discernment. It’s about defining what we are available for, noticing when our energy is being depleted, and making choices that align with our capacity and commitments.
Like any skill, developing firm yet flexible boundaries is a practice. It requires ongoing reflection, recalibration, and a willingness to stay present with our own needs. When we learn to navigate the vibration zone with curiosity rather than fear, we gain a greater sense of agency. We become more attuned to what serves us and what doesn’t, ultimately fostering relationships and environments where both we and those around us can thrive.
Where in your life do you feel the vibration zone—the subtle discomfort that signals a boundary is needed or needs adjustment?
Resources for Further Exploration:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett